Mixed Feelings...

First of all, I want to tell you about one of my oldest and dearest friends....we will call her MJ (like in Spider Man). We have been friends since 8th grade. Our last names started with the same letter and everything was alphabetized so we sat beside each other in all of our classes. She is how I met IT....I don't blame her...she didn't know..LOL. Seriously, we aren't as close as I'd like. I'm not the one she considers her "best" friend. Our lives are not as intertwined as I would like. IT is a lot of the reason for this. She doesn't like to be around him. Early in our marriage, I wasn't even allowed to go to a pay phone and make a phone call without him around...it was pretty bad. It's not like that now bc I don't allow it to be but.........the damage is done. I love her like a sister and I love her little boy. I wish that I could have been there for her more in the past....the only thing I can do is try to be here for her now and in the future.

Next....I'm not prego! Let me tell you about my evening yesterday. I took Munchkin and Man to the dr. Munchkin wouldn't do it bc there was a new nurse there and I was too sick to argue with her. Man checked out fine. IT told the dr about me being nauseaus (I really need to look up the spelling.) She made me do a test....she didn't even charge me for it. She said that earlier that morning, she had a patient with a positive test that had her tubal in 2001. Well, the test was neg but it showed that I have a severe UTI. She was amazed that I'm not in pain. Instead of me feeling pain, I am nauseous, throwing up, fatigued (to the point that I am almost falling asleep at work), weak....you get the point...prego symptoms. Weird....she put me on antibiotics and told me to drink water. We will see if it goes away. There is no telling how long I've had it since I don't feel any pain. Now, I'm worried about the fact that I only have 1 kidney and I've got a sever UTI. That's what happened before I had surgery to remove my kidney....I had constant UTIs and kidney infections.................OK.........now the mixed feelings... I am sad that I'm not prego bc I always wanted another baby...I always envisioned myself with 4 children.....yes, I know that I am certifiably insane........ I can't help but feel disappointed bc I know that it's done..no more babies.. I also feel relief. I know that now would be the worst time financially and in other ways to even think of having a baby. I wouldn't pick this situation to bring a baby into. My marriage is pretty much over, we are broke, I work all the time....you get the point. I guess in a weird way, deep down, maybe I wanted it to be positive bc then I would have the 4th baby that I've always wanted but it wouldn't be my fault...I wouldn't have to listen to everyone ask me "what were you thinking?"....sometimes I think with my heart, not with my head...but, that's ok bc I know that I do it and I'm working on it. Think I'm nuts yet??

Next...I am going to have to write a rubber check for my rent this month. I just don't have the money. Since my hours were cut (with no notice), which means that my pay went down, I just don't have enough money. We are looking for a place to move to now. I don't want to, but I can't stay there. I am seriously considering my options. I would even live in a big 2 bedroom right now. It's not like we have a lot of options. I'll let you know what happens.

Well, I'm gonna go bc I am exhausted and I'm at work. I want to lay my head down on my desk, but I'm scared that I'll fall asleep.

Later,
AJ