I weighed myself for my weekly weigh-in this morning and..... 196.8!!! That means that, in two weeks, I have lost 4.6 lbs. I was really bad on Saturday and I have only been half following the points so that's not bad. My aunt gave me her points calculator (it's a WW thing that helps you figure up your points by entering the number of calories, the total fat, and the fiber) on Wednesday, and I am going to get a small notebook and start writing down everything I eat. I think that will really help. I'm also going to do my best to walk on my treadmill a few times a week. It's kind of hard when I work a double, plus I've already walked at the buffett place all night. Even though the scale says I've lost weight, my pants feel tighter.
Today is going to be a crappy day. I just got a phone call back on an apt that we looked at last night.....it is a 4 bedroom apt (the rooms are bigger than the rooms in my house). It is only $695.00 per month, but.........they want first month, last month, and a $500.00 deposit to have the dogs. They are out of their mind. That is a total of $1,890.00 to move in. There is no way in Hades that I can afford that! It's beginning to look like we're gonna have to move back to the apts we lived in before we got our house. It will only be $951.00 to move in there. They are 3 bedrooms. It sucks that the girls would have to share a room again, but....what can you do? It's not like I have a lot of options. It is $650.00 per month and one person told me that they charge $50.00, due on the 15th, to go toward the water bill.
Oh yeah...I am exhausted and I have to work at both jobs today. Our nephew, IT's brother's baby, stayed the night with us last night. He is 5 months old. Evidently, IT's brother, stays up with him all night playing, so...he's not used to sleeping at night. He had me up all night. He would only sleep a little at a time and then get up crying. If it would have been a weekend (you know...when normal people get to sleep in....then it wouldn't have been a big deal. But, I was already exhausted and now I am about to fall out.
More later...I'm going to get some coffee.
AJ
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
It has been a rough weekend.........
We did our taxes this weekend. It was awful! We only got back $1,491.00 after they took their fees out. I felt like I had been handed a death sentence. I was literally in tears in the midd of the tax place. I won't be able to leave like I planned. At least not right now. I owe my Daddy money (I have to pay him a minimum of $500.00), I owe my MawMaw $575.00 (she helped me with Chrismas), and I have a $335.00 light bill that is due. Once I cover the check for $45.00 at the grocery store last night.....I'm out of money. It sucks. I really thought I would have a chance to be happy this year. So far......no go. We will be getting $202.00 for our state refund. That is already spent. We promised Man that we would take him to the wrecker museum in TN. The girls were in a pageant in June and we promised him then......guess what...it hasn't happened yet. Since IT refuses to work, I haven't had the money to take him. It won't cost that much. We're gonna take a cooler full of sandwich stuff, drinks, and snacks. We're driving up for the day and then coming back home. That way, we (by that I mean 'I') won't have to pay for a motel.
Another thing that has happened this weekend is that we are moving. Not sure exactly where yet, but I know we have to move....I can't afford the house by myself and Momma is moving this coming Saturday. There is a 4 bedroom apt on our street and we're going to look at it today. It's only $695.00 per month. I could afford it on my own, it would just be really tight. (Then I could just make IT move.) IT could care less.
He got pissed bc he wanted $100.00 out of the tax money and I told him we didn't have it. He threatened to burn the check to keep me from taking the whole thing and he pitched a fit bc I don't ever want to give him money....I was gonna get the rest do I shouldn't fuss about him getting a little bit.....I informed him that I wasn't getting the rest of it for myself bc I was paying bills. That I never get anything for myself bc I don't spend money on myself if I don't have it to spare. He actually had the nerve to tell me that it was my own fault bc I chose not to get myself stuff when I wanted it.
Did I tell you about what he told Princess? She had a pink bandana on her head and he told her to take it off bc she wasn't a Ni**er). I am so fed up with the way he treats me and his influence on the kids. One day...............I can keep dreaming.
AJ
Another thing that has happened this weekend is that we are moving. Not sure exactly where yet, but I know we have to move....I can't afford the house by myself and Momma is moving this coming Saturday. There is a 4 bedroom apt on our street and we're going to look at it today. It's only $695.00 per month. I could afford it on my own, it would just be really tight. (Then I could just make IT move.) IT could care less.
He got pissed bc he wanted $100.00 out of the tax money and I told him we didn't have it. He threatened to burn the check to keep me from taking the whole thing and he pitched a fit bc I don't ever want to give him money....I was gonna get the rest do I shouldn't fuss about him getting a little bit.....I informed him that I wasn't getting the rest of it for myself bc I was paying bills. That I never get anything for myself bc I don't spend money on myself if I don't have it to spare. He actually had the nerve to tell me that it was my own fault bc I chose not to get myself stuff when I wanted it.
Did I tell you about what he told Princess? She had a pink bandana on her head and he told her to take it off bc she wasn't a Ni**er). I am so fed up with the way he treats me and his influence on the kids. One day...............I can keep dreaming.
AJ
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Anxiously Waiting.....
Ok, here's the deal. Now that I know that I'm gonna be out in a few months, it is soooo hard to wait! Every little thing that he does drives me up the wall. I think that my Momma is getting ready to move. She started moving a few things last night. I don't blame her at all. I hate it there and I'm never there. She's there every day after work and on her off days. I don't know what I'm gonna do about the rent until we get our taxes. I won't be able to leave until at least March or April (waiting on my tag and possibly refinancing my van). I think that I'm gonna tell him that we are paying my Daddy back a lot more than we are so that I can put some in an acct in my name so that I know that he won't squander it away. We will see...depends on how much we get back.
I forgot to weigh myself on Monday morning (my weekly weigh-in). I did it on Tues morning and I weighed 198.8 lbs! Yeah!! That means that I lost 2.6lbs. I'm ok with that. I would like to lose down to a size 10 eventually...and that's settling. If I had a choice, I would be petite and pretty with flawless skin (no stretchmarks) and a flat stomach.......BUT..........I don't have a choice, so I guess that I will settle for what I can get. I would like to lose 30lbs by my birthday (June 16). That would put me at 171lbs.... At least I would be a lot smaller by then. My ultimate goal would be to lose a total of about 60-65lbs....but, I know that muscle weighs more than fat, so I'm not set on the actual number of lbs. I just want to lose inches. I still haven't measured myself for my beginning measurements. I guess that I will do that tonight....that means that I will have to be nice to IT....that sucks.
Ok, I have to go now. I'm at work with a ton of things to do!
AJ
I forgot to weigh myself on Monday morning (my weekly weigh-in). I did it on Tues morning and I weighed 198.8 lbs! Yeah!! That means that I lost 2.6lbs. I'm ok with that. I would like to lose down to a size 10 eventually...and that's settling. If I had a choice, I would be petite and pretty with flawless skin (no stretchmarks) and a flat stomach.......BUT..........I don't have a choice, so I guess that I will settle for what I can get. I would like to lose 30lbs by my birthday (June 16). That would put me at 171lbs.... At least I would be a lot smaller by then. My ultimate goal would be to lose a total of about 60-65lbs....but, I know that muscle weighs more than fat, so I'm not set on the actual number of lbs. I just want to lose inches. I still haven't measured myself for my beginning measurements. I guess that I will do that tonight....that means that I will have to be nice to IT....that sucks.
Ok, I have to go now. I'm at work with a ton of things to do!
AJ
Monday, January 21, 2008
It's already been a looong day!
OMG! I'm really tired. I stayed up until almost 2:00 this morning watching Good Luck Chuck and Extreme Makeover. I would give anything to be on that show! I can't imagine being on How To Look Good Naked bc I can't imagine liking what I see in the mirror. Anyways......that's another story.
I am determined to move in a couple of months. Now that I am determined to leave and have a plan in mind, it is harder to stay than ever.
I was kinda bad last night. Yesterday was Princess' birthday. She turned 9! I can't believe that my little girl is 9! I still remember the day she was born. IT brought her to my work when I got off and we sit down when she and IT ate and then IT went home. I took her to Wal-mart and I bought her some nail polish and nail art so we can do her nails on Fri for her party on Sat. She used her b-day money (one of the watiresses gave her $10.00) to buy herself a pedicure set and some sugar free gum. She also bought me a metal rose (red with glitter)....it was so sweet. Then we went to the grocery store and bought stuff for her b-day dinner. She picked ribs, mac+chs, baked beans, and canned biscuits. I ate all of it...in moderation. I only had a little bit of the mac+chs and baked beans and one biscuit. But, I was bad bc I had 3 ribs. But, I walked on the treadmill for 20 min....I only did a mile, but every step helps.....it was over 2,500 steps. We also rented a movie....of course she picked it out....she picked Waitress with Keri Russell in it. It was kind of a stupid movie, but I could totally relate to her....without the weird pie creativity and boning her OB. Seriously, I can totally relate and that is sad.
Later,
AJ
I am determined to move in a couple of months. Now that I am determined to leave and have a plan in mind, it is harder to stay than ever.
I was kinda bad last night. Yesterday was Princess' birthday. She turned 9! I can't believe that my little girl is 9! I still remember the day she was born. IT brought her to my work when I got off and we sit down when she and IT ate and then IT went home. I took her to Wal-mart and I bought her some nail polish and nail art so we can do her nails on Fri for her party on Sat. She used her b-day money (one of the watiresses gave her $10.00) to buy herself a pedicure set and some sugar free gum. She also bought me a metal rose (red with glitter)....it was so sweet. Then we went to the grocery store and bought stuff for her b-day dinner. She picked ribs, mac+chs, baked beans, and canned biscuits. I ate all of it...in moderation. I only had a little bit of the mac+chs and baked beans and one biscuit. But, I was bad bc I had 3 ribs. But, I walked on the treadmill for 20 min....I only did a mile, but every step helps.....it was over 2,500 steps. We also rented a movie....of course she picked it out....she picked Waitress with Keri Russell in it. It was kind of a stupid movie, but I could totally relate to her....without the weird pie creativity and boning her OB. Seriously, I can totally relate and that is sad.
Later,
AJ
Friday, January 18, 2008
A Morning Quickie
Ok, just wanted to post really quick. I did another no-no....I got on the scale again this morning. It could have been a real downer, but it wasn't....so far, 2.6 lbs gone!! Yeah! Well, I will post again later.
AJ
AJ
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Still hanging in there...
I walked on the treadmill for an hour last night and walked almost 2.5 miles. YEAH!! I was really surprised that I wasn't tired. I talked to my Momma. She offered to move in with my Sis so that I would be free to move. I'm still not sure what exactly I can afford. Not much. I'm gonna check on Section 8. I don't want to do that, but I have to do what I have to do for my kids. They deserve better than what I can give them right now.
Yesterday, Princess (my oldest one) started being tested for SCOPE (the gifted program). I am so proud of her!! She works so hard. I told her that it didn't matter if they picked her or not....that she should be proud that she was picked to be tested. She deserves it bc she is always doing something...reading, writing, math...you get the point. She loves to read. She was student of the month on Tues (again) and she got to come to work with me afterward. She sat and read for almost 2 1/2 hours bc she is earning a ticket to Six Flags through school.
Another thing that happened yesterday.....Man (my son) came home with a note from the Principal. He was in the bathroom and, for no apparent reason, called a kindergartener a "nigger" and flicked him off. He denied flicking him off bc he used his ring finger (which is probable). I was shocked!! I am NOT racist in any way, shape, or form! My nephew is mixed and I love him like I love my own kids. It has always been a rule in my house that you don't use that word......no matter who you are. Everybody knows it. You can imagine how shocked I was when I asked him where he heard that word and he said "from Daddy and Pawpaw". I asked Man why he said that to the little boy and he said 'I don't know, Daddy and Pawpaw say it". I asked him what the little boy looked like, (I didnt want to just ask him if the boy was black), and he said the boy was blonde headed. Obviously, the little boy was white. That tells me that he's not lying....if he knew what it meant, he wouldn't have called a white boy that. When I confronted IT, he didn't seem to care, and got pissed bc I told him that was unacceptable speech to use in front of the kids. I told him that I don't want my kids exposed to that kind of hatred.
Yet another thing that happened yesterday is that IT got into it with his daddy (remember that my in-laws lived in a camper outside my back door). Princess said that they were screaming at each other and fighting about the camper....IT was screaming "motherfucker" (she asked special permission to tell me what he said). I waited for the kids to go to bed before I asked him about it bc I don't like fighting in front of the kids. He got pissed and told me it was none of my fucking business. His daddy does drugs. My rule is "NO drugs in my house or anywhere near me or my kids". Everybody knows that! IT knows that if I catch his daddy doing it at my house or doing it and coming back to my house that I will kick him out on the spot if I had to call the cops myself to make them leave. I asked him if his daddy was doing it and he said no. I asked if he would tell me if he was and he said no. He told me that them fighting and whether or not his daddy was smoking or not was none of my fucking business. I told him it was my business bc those were my kids and I didn't want them exposed to the fighting and I better not find out that they were exposed to drugs. Yet another reason for me to leave.....ASAP!!!
AJ
Yesterday, Princess (my oldest one) started being tested for SCOPE (the gifted program). I am so proud of her!! She works so hard. I told her that it didn't matter if they picked her or not....that she should be proud that she was picked to be tested. She deserves it bc she is always doing something...reading, writing, math...you get the point. She loves to read. She was student of the month on Tues (again) and she got to come to work with me afterward. She sat and read for almost 2 1/2 hours bc she is earning a ticket to Six Flags through school.
Another thing that happened yesterday.....Man (my son) came home with a note from the Principal. He was in the bathroom and, for no apparent reason, called a kindergartener a "nigger" and flicked him off. He denied flicking him off bc he used his ring finger (which is probable). I was shocked!! I am NOT racist in any way, shape, or form! My nephew is mixed and I love him like I love my own kids. It has always been a rule in my house that you don't use that word......no matter who you are. Everybody knows it. You can imagine how shocked I was when I asked him where he heard that word and he said "from Daddy and Pawpaw". I asked Man why he said that to the little boy and he said 'I don't know, Daddy and Pawpaw say it". I asked him what the little boy looked like, (I didnt want to just ask him if the boy was black), and he said the boy was blonde headed. Obviously, the little boy was white. That tells me that he's not lying....if he knew what it meant, he wouldn't have called a white boy that. When I confronted IT, he didn't seem to care, and got pissed bc I told him that was unacceptable speech to use in front of the kids. I told him that I don't want my kids exposed to that kind of hatred.
Yet another thing that happened yesterday is that IT got into it with his daddy (remember that my in-laws lived in a camper outside my back door). Princess said that they were screaming at each other and fighting about the camper....IT was screaming "motherfucker" (she asked special permission to tell me what he said). I waited for the kids to go to bed before I asked him about it bc I don't like fighting in front of the kids. He got pissed and told me it was none of my fucking business. His daddy does drugs. My rule is "NO drugs in my house or anywhere near me or my kids". Everybody knows that! IT knows that if I catch his daddy doing it at my house or doing it and coming back to my house that I will kick him out on the spot if I had to call the cops myself to make them leave. I asked him if his daddy was doing it and he said no. I asked if he would tell me if he was and he said no. He told me that them fighting and whether or not his daddy was smoking or not was none of my fucking business. I told him it was my business bc those were my kids and I didn't want them exposed to the fighting and I better not find out that they were exposed to drugs. Yet another reason for me to leave.....ASAP!!!
AJ
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
I added a link!
I finally added one of my oldest and dearest "real life" friends on here. We have known each other since 8th grade. She's my "soul sister". You should really check out her page.....assuming she posts something new....soon.
I stepped on the scale this morning.....I know I shouldn't have. I only want to weigh myself once a week......but.......I have lost!!!YEAH!!!! I'm not getting too excited yet, I will be really excited when I weigh myself on Monday morning. I still need to take 'before' pics and take my measurements. NO, I will not be putting the pics on here, but I will post my measurements. That way, I know I won't quit bc the world will have access to my measurements (scream!!). I feel better and I have more energy bc I'm not eating all the junk and I'm not stuffing myself. The only time I have a hard time is when I'm at work at the buffet and we are slow bc I am standing there looking at all this wonderful food and smelling the smells from the kitchen. I just need to make sure that I always have snacks available so that I don't eat anything bad. I have plenty of motivation, so I have faith in myself that I won't quit.
Ok, moving on.... I think I'm gonna see if I can leave IT at tax time or shortly thereafter. My sis said that my Momma could come life with her if I leave IT. I have to see what I can afford on my budget and see where the lines are for the school zone. I do not want to move the kids to another school. They are gonna have a hard enough time without adding to it. More later, I'm at work and I have a TON to do.
AJ
I stepped on the scale this morning.....I know I shouldn't have. I only want to weigh myself once a week......but.......I have lost!!!YEAH!!!! I'm not getting too excited yet, I will be really excited when I weigh myself on Monday morning. I still need to take 'before' pics and take my measurements. NO, I will not be putting the pics on here, but I will post my measurements. That way, I know I won't quit bc the world will have access to my measurements (scream!!). I feel better and I have more energy bc I'm not eating all the junk and I'm not stuffing myself. The only time I have a hard time is when I'm at work at the buffet and we are slow bc I am standing there looking at all this wonderful food and smelling the smells from the kitchen. I just need to make sure that I always have snacks available so that I don't eat anything bad. I have plenty of motivation, so I have faith in myself that I won't quit.
Ok, moving on.... I think I'm gonna see if I can leave IT at tax time or shortly thereafter. My sis said that my Momma could come life with her if I leave IT. I have to see what I can afford on my budget and see where the lines are for the school zone. I do not want to move the kids to another school. They are gonna have a hard enough time without adding to it. More later, I'm at work and I have a TON to do.
AJ
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Weight Watchers
I forgot to tell you that I started WW on Monday. IT let the kids and their friends go in the garage and lose my WW calculator, but I am winging it for now. My aunt said that she would let me have hers on Wednesday (tomorrow). (DEEEEEEP BREATH)..............I had a starting weight of 201.4 lbs and I am 5 ft 2.5 in. WOW..........that was hard to say! I am going to try to take my starting measurements tonight....we'll see if that happens. IT was supposed to take "before" pics last night, instead he picked a huge fight and was barely speaking to me...at least that part was good. Ok, enough for today. I will try to post tomorrow.
AJ
AJ
Good days and bad ones....today is a bad one.
I am very down and out today. Nothing specific, I am just done. Done with everything. I am so ready to be by myself, even if I have to be the one to move. I would rather live in a 2 bedroom apt with the kids by myself than to live in a 4 bedroom house with him. I would rather keep the house, but I want out more than I want the house.
I keep dreaming about HIM. I know that my chance with him is through, but I still think of him. I still love him. I saw him at Wal-Mart on the day before Christmas eve and my heart skipped a beat. I was a chicken and I ran the other way....but, for a split second.....I couldn't breathe. It's pathetic.....after 8 years, he still takes my breath away. I want to look him up after my divorce. I just want to see how he's been. I don't know if he ever got married, or if he ever had any kids......I think he would have made a wonderful dad...he was so good with his nephew... I don't have any fantasies....ok maybe in my fantasies.....but, I know that in reality, there is no chance of us getting back together....but, I still can't get him out of my mind. I might not even like the person he's become if I met him now, but I still can't get him out of my mind. He's under my skin.....
My life is pathetic...the only good things in my life are my kids and family.....well, the family is good some of the time....lol. I have 4 "best friends"......one moved to SC on me, I haven't seen her in years...another one I have known since I was in the 8th grade.....I am one of her good friends, but not her best......she will even tell you that she has a best friend who is not me, it's my own fault.....all those years ago when IT told me that I couldn't be friends with anyone and couldnt' talk to anyone......I listened......another lived across the street, she moved and I've only talked to her a few times....she quit calling me or answering my calls........the other is my boss, we used to be really close and now I'm just an employee....definitely not the first person that she would call anymore in the case of an emergency... IT can be blamed for that one....he worked for them first and he screwed them over...obviously, now we don't hang out anymore...Basically, I feel like I am all alone........OK, it's just me wallowing in self pity...I'm done now.
Deep breath......Breathe....Breathe......OK, I feel better.
AJ
I keep dreaming about HIM. I know that my chance with him is through, but I still think of him. I still love him. I saw him at Wal-Mart on the day before Christmas eve and my heart skipped a beat. I was a chicken and I ran the other way....but, for a split second.....I couldn't breathe. It's pathetic.....after 8 years, he still takes my breath away. I want to look him up after my divorce. I just want to see how he's been. I don't know if he ever got married, or if he ever had any kids......I think he would have made a wonderful dad...he was so good with his nephew... I don't have any fantasies....ok maybe in my fantasies.....but, I know that in reality, there is no chance of us getting back together....but, I still can't get him out of my mind. I might not even like the person he's become if I met him now, but I still can't get him out of my mind. He's under my skin.....
My life is pathetic...the only good things in my life are my kids and family.....well, the family is good some of the time....lol. I have 4 "best friends"......one moved to SC on me, I haven't seen her in years...another one I have known since I was in the 8th grade.....I am one of her good friends, but not her best......she will even tell you that she has a best friend who is not me, it's my own fault.....all those years ago when IT told me that I couldn't be friends with anyone and couldnt' talk to anyone......I listened......another lived across the street, she moved and I've only talked to her a few times....she quit calling me or answering my calls........the other is my boss, we used to be really close and now I'm just an employee....definitely not the first person that she would call anymore in the case of an emergency... IT can be blamed for that one....he worked for them first and he screwed them over...obviously, now we don't hang out anymore...Basically, I feel like I am all alone........OK, it's just me wallowing in self pity...I'm done now.
Deep breath......Breathe....Breathe......OK, I feel better.
AJ
Monday, January 14, 2008
Coming clean....
Ok.....deep breath!!!............I am soooo done with my marriage. I want a divorce!!! I can't stand to even look at IT anymore. I have been in love with someone else since before I ever married him. I don't regret not following my heart bc I wouldn't have my babies if I had, but it's time to stop pretending to the world that everything is ok. (I truly feel that I've gotten the best 3 things out of IT that I possibly could). No, I'm not a Ho and I haven't been cheating...it started way before we ever got married. He was my best friend. It sounds kind of juvenile, but he won my heart one night when he bought me some Nyquil bc I was sick and he said he couldn't stand to see me sick. It sounds corny, but it was really sweet. He used to come up behind me and nuzzle my neck and tell me that I was beautiful....or he would be staring at me and I would ask what and he would say that I was beautiful. No one has ever paid me that much attention or made me feel that special. That's not it, that's just all I can say on here right now. I truly feel like he was my soul mate. I have been in love with him since I was 16 and he was my best friend before that. No, I don't think that I"m gonna divorce IT and get back with him, but I owe it to myself to get away from IT. I deserve what I had with "him", not what I have with IT.
AJ
AJ
Thursday, January 10, 2008
I'm soooooo stressed!!
OMG!!! I am so stressed! Let me tell you.......I got into it with my Momma earlier. She is still pissed off about the cat litter box being moved and me moving her cat bowls. She is also saying that someone stole $30.00 from her room. I would like to say that I don't know anyone that would do that.......but, the truth is I can't say that. I can say that I don't think that anyone I kno is stupid enough to steal from my house. She is pissed bc she says that I don't care....the truth is that I do care, I just can't do anything about it. She has no proof that it was stolen. She may have misplaced it for all I know. I can't go around accusing people of stealing with no proof.
She is asking me if I want her to move and I have told her that I don't, but I think she will move soon. Probably in with my sister. Even if I dont' agree with her all the time, I still love her. She's my momma.
IT is an idiot! He has moved his dang Momma and Daddy into a camper outside my back door....or they will be this weekend. He knows how I feel about his parents living with us after what happened last time....Long story short...it ended with his Momma slapping me (in front of my kids) and me telling her to get the hell out of my house. He took her side....he thought that I was wrong for wanting her to leave. She is a liar and she is manipulative. She can't stand someone else being the center of attention....she is also a hypochondriac.
The point is that I am miserable! IT says that he's not working nights and weekends...maybe nights, but absolutely no weekends. But, it's ok for me to work days, nights, and weekends. When I am rid of him, I don't even want another man. He has ruined me for other men. I would rather be by myself. It's not like sex is important to me anyway....I couldn't tell you the last time I has a big "O". He could care less...as long as he gets his. I'm not saying that I think that all men are like that...I would just rather not take the time to find out.
I am more determined than ever to start my weight watchers back. When I finally get a divorce, I want to be skinnier. Not so that I can find another man, but so that I can be healthier for my kids. I know that he loves our kids, but let's be honest. When it comes to their future, I'm all they've got. I owe it to them to take better care of myself and to get through school....somehow. It will probably take me 10 more years, but at least I will be able to tell my kids that I didn't quit.
I am so depressed right now. I hate myself. I can't even bring myself to put on my makeup....I figure...what's the point? I have to wear my glasses....which make me look really bad....and I am fat....really fat. And, that is my fault. I know that and I accept responsibility for it. I lost 20 lbs when I was on weight watchers and I felt the best I have felt about myself in a really long time....then I went off of it and started eating choc chip cookies and milk for supper.....(I eat when I'm depressed)....I am really disappointed in myself for that and I am determined to start again. I watched "How to look good naked with Carson Kressley" and I can't imagine myself being confident in my body the way it is now. I would give anything to go on Extreme Makeover....I would get plastic surgery tomorrow if I could.
Enough whining for now.....
AJ
She is asking me if I want her to move and I have told her that I don't, but I think she will move soon. Probably in with my sister. Even if I dont' agree with her all the time, I still love her. She's my momma.
IT is an idiot! He has moved his dang Momma and Daddy into a camper outside my back door....or they will be this weekend. He knows how I feel about his parents living with us after what happened last time....Long story short...it ended with his Momma slapping me (in front of my kids) and me telling her to get the hell out of my house. He took her side....he thought that I was wrong for wanting her to leave. She is a liar and she is manipulative. She can't stand someone else being the center of attention....she is also a hypochondriac.
The point is that I am miserable! IT says that he's not working nights and weekends...maybe nights, but absolutely no weekends. But, it's ok for me to work days, nights, and weekends. When I am rid of him, I don't even want another man. He has ruined me for other men. I would rather be by myself. It's not like sex is important to me anyway....I couldn't tell you the last time I has a big "O". He could care less...as long as he gets his. I'm not saying that I think that all men are like that...I would just rather not take the time to find out.
I am more determined than ever to start my weight watchers back. When I finally get a divorce, I want to be skinnier. Not so that I can find another man, but so that I can be healthier for my kids. I know that he loves our kids, but let's be honest. When it comes to their future, I'm all they've got. I owe it to them to take better care of myself and to get through school....somehow. It will probably take me 10 more years, but at least I will be able to tell my kids that I didn't quit.
I am so depressed right now. I hate myself. I can't even bring myself to put on my makeup....I figure...what's the point? I have to wear my glasses....which make me look really bad....and I am fat....really fat. And, that is my fault. I know that and I accept responsibility for it. I lost 20 lbs when I was on weight watchers and I felt the best I have felt about myself in a really long time....then I went off of it and started eating choc chip cookies and milk for supper.....(I eat when I'm depressed)....I am really disappointed in myself for that and I am determined to start again. I watched "How to look good naked with Carson Kressley" and I can't imagine myself being confident in my body the way it is now. I would give anything to go on Extreme Makeover....I would get plastic surgery tomorrow if I could.
Enough whining for now.....
AJ
Monday, January 7, 2008
Happy Flipping New Year!
My year is starting off really bad! I think I started WWIII with my Momma. I don't remember if I told you about her cats using my garage as a litter box and her not cleaning it up or not.....long story short, IT took the litter box out of the garage (he had a legit story....don't know if it's true or not) and he forgot to put it back. She realized it was gone and pitched an immortal fit about him disrespecting her by throwing it away. I showed her that he didn't throw it away and told her all she had to do was clean it and put it back. She refused. They started using my garage and she refused to clean it. It stayed like that for 3 weeks before I was able to clean it......2 jobs and being sick...... I cleaned it and even put her stuff in another box so that nothing happened to it.....me....always the peace maker... (it was a box of whatnots and I unwrapped them bc the paper was filthy). I moved a lot of stuff around and in the process of doing so, I moved her cats' food/water bowls and the liter box. She texted me while I was at work and pitched a hissy fit. She said it was disrespect for me to move her stuff. I told her it was disrespect for me to have cat pee and feces in my garage for 3 weeks and I had to clean it. She went on and on.
Just typing this I am bored. I'm sick of hearing it. She is being childish. IT and my Momma are both equally childish. They are also both lazy. When I asked her to move in, I thought it would make my life easier. It didn't. I thought I would have more help with some of the housework. I don't. Her idea of contributing to the household was to wash dishes once a week and cook once a week. She hasn't been doing that and when she does, she will wash dishes and then cook so that what she cooked in is left on the stove or counter.
I am sick of all the drama. I wish that I had ONE job that paid enough for me to pay the bills and take care of the kids by myself. Then, I wouldn't have to listen to any of it. I hate listening to it, but more than that, I hate that the kids are exposed to all that tension needlessly. Hopefully, 2008 will be way better than 2007, but now.....not so much.
Later,
AJ
Just typing this I am bored. I'm sick of hearing it. She is being childish. IT and my Momma are both equally childish. They are also both lazy. When I asked her to move in, I thought it would make my life easier. It didn't. I thought I would have more help with some of the housework. I don't. Her idea of contributing to the household was to wash dishes once a week and cook once a week. She hasn't been doing that and when she does, she will wash dishes and then cook so that what she cooked in is left on the stove or counter.
I am sick of all the drama. I wish that I had ONE job that paid enough for me to pay the bills and take care of the kids by myself. Then, I wouldn't have to listen to any of it. I hate listening to it, but more than that, I hate that the kids are exposed to all that tension needlessly. Hopefully, 2008 will be way better than 2007, but now.....not so much.
Later,
AJ
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