Good days and bad ones....today is a bad one.

I am very down and out today. Nothing specific, I am just done. Done with everything. I am so ready to be by myself, even if I have to be the one to move. I would rather live in a 2 bedroom apt with the kids by myself than to live in a 4 bedroom house with him. I would rather keep the house, but I want out more than I want the house.

I keep dreaming about HIM. I know that my chance with him is through, but I still think of him. I still love him. I saw him at Wal-Mart on the day before Christmas eve and my heart skipped a beat. I was a chicken and I ran the other way....but, for a split second.....I couldn't breathe. It's pathetic.....after 8 years, he still takes my breath away. I want to look him up after my divorce. I just want to see how he's been. I don't know if he ever got married, or if he ever had any kids......I think he would have made a wonderful dad...he was so good with his nephew... I don't have any fantasies....ok maybe in my fantasies.....but, I know that in reality, there is no chance of us getting back together....but, I still can't get him out of my mind. I might not even like the person he's become if I met him now, but I still can't get him out of my mind. He's under my skin.....

My life is pathetic...the only good things in my life are my kids and family.....well, the family is good some of the time....lol. I have 4 "best friends"......one moved to SC on me, I haven't seen her in years...another one I have known since I was in the 8th grade.....I am one of her good friends, but not her best......she will even tell you that she has a best friend who is not me, it's my own fault.....all those years ago when IT told me that I couldn't be friends with anyone and couldnt' talk to anyone......I listened......another lived across the street, she moved and I've only talked to her a few times....she quit calling me or answering my calls........the other is my boss, we used to be really close and now I'm just an employee....definitely not the first person that she would call anymore in the case of an emergency... IT can be blamed for that one....he worked for them first and he screwed them over...obviously, now we don't hang out anymore...Basically, I feel like I am all alone........OK, it's just me wallowing in self pity...I'm done now.

Deep breath......Breathe....Breathe......OK, I feel better.

AJ